It's Almost Deer Season. Share Your Worst Roadkill Story

"PatBateman" (PatBateman) 10/11/2013 at 18:19 • Filed to: Story Time

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I know, I know, a weird topic, but I don't think it's been done (at least not lately). My story starts just west of Austin, at 3 AM, on Loop 360 driving through the Hill Country...

I used to be a firefighter (volunteer), and was on my way home from a doozy of a house fire. Yeah, I was tired, but I was still high on adrenaline and awake. You see, this road is on the edge of what is called the "wildlife-urban interface" (where the 'burbs run into the woods), and there are always an absolute TON of deer in the grass median between the lanes. Anywho, I'm driving back home in my '96 Chevy Silverado when my headlights shine on a four point buck in the median, staring me down. I slam on my brakes to slow down as the buck decides to run at me, apparently coming to the realization that life is not worth living anymore. I jerk the wheel to the right, and the deer hits my front left quarter panel, does damage to my door, does a couple of rotations around my rear tire, and gets spit back out on the road. I come to a hectic stop on the shoulder and look back. Yup, fresh venison.

The Sheriff's Deputy comes out to take the report. $4,000 of body work later, I get my truck back. To this day, I hunt deer for the sole purpose of exacting my revenge for that "accident".

Got a story that beats mine? Share it!

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:24

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My uncles car this Monday, from impact with a deer at seventy mph. My

MikeMeade > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:25

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My brother and I were on our way to high school in his Chrysler Laser, back in the 90s. He wasn't really paying attention as we came around a corner. I yelled "watch out!" He looked at me and said, "what?" Maybe a half a second later we ran over a skunk. That car stunk for weeks! We sprayed tomato sauce up under the car, washed it probably ten times... Nothing helped except for time.

Awful.

PatBateman > Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs 10/11/2013 at 18:27

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HOLY CRAP!! That sucks!!! I was going 65 before I slammed on my brakes. That's A LOT more damage than what I incurred.

PatBateman > MikeMeade 10/11/2013 at 18:30

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I was ALMOST hit by a skunk's spray while hunting years ago. I dodged it, but the smell stuck with my clothes after at least three washes.

I'm guessing that the AC was seldomly used after your bro's encounter.

EL_ULY > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:30

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nothing personal, just turning wrenches for a while and there are chingos de deer in Texas year round getting hit on the highways. My stories consist of people running over the dead cascaras on the road and coming to my shop so we can check if anything was damaged. The whore some would smell like a meat market lol. Chunks of fresh or rotted deer pieces wedged in ever corner of the chassis.

PowderHound > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:31

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I'll give it a go and try to keep it fairly short as there are two parts to the story. A few years ago I was driving with my buddy the morning after another friends graduation party. So, I'm not feeling the greatest and sort of spacing out, still paying attention to the road but apparently not enough. It was a backroad and turns out I was speeding. I hear my buddy in the passenger seat say, "Cop. (pause) Cop. (pause) There's a cop". It was at this point I realized a cop just went by us, I look down and see I am going too fast and get pulled over for 80 in a 55.

Fast forward a month or so. Going to someone else's graduation party. Friend that was in passenger seat in previous story is driving. Driving along some backcountry highway, paved but no one on it really. I say to my friend driving, "Deer. (pause) Deer. (pause) There's a deer". What does he do? If you guessed hits the deer you are correct. Get out, deer is clearly dead, car isn't too badly damaged. Hear another car coming down the road. A lowered eclipse. Smashes right over the deer. Dead down the middle. I'm pretty sure his wheels were not on the ground at one point but he went right over that deer and kept on going like nothing happened.

I think that ends the story.
TL;DR: Don't go to graduation parties.

PatBateman > EL_ULY 10/11/2013 at 18:36

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There are a lot of them here. And yes, he left some chunks in my wheel well too.

ChemicalCutthroat > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:39

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I can't think of anything better than that gif you posted.

Its... the most comical violence I have ever seen.

The Real Dacia Sandero > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:41

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I live out in the sticks, and my neighborhood is off a road that is full of deer. There's always at least one dead in the road at any time. They're so prevalent, that nobody even slows down. If you hit one, oh well.

EL_ULY > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:43

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ewww, yuck

DavidHH > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:47

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I was the first person to stop, after I ran the deer meat over. Then I noticed the wreck that turned deer into venison. Then I noticed the perfect face print in the windshield of the wreck, as the drunk passenger was not wearing his seat belt.

To make a long story short, I drove my econoline at "0mph", while his girlfriend was hysterically calling EMS, while he puked, bled, pissed and screamed in the back of my van. A cop briefly tried to stop us, but missed the exit. So we met the Ambulance in the minimart gas station, and they grabbed my passengers and sped off, just as the officer pulled up... And he left without saying a word so I was never cited for exceeding 100?. (or whatever the top speed of a 351W MT powered E-150 is)

PatBateman > ChemicalCutthroat 10/11/2013 at 18:47

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I indeed love it as well. Hypnotizing, isn't it?

DavidHH > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 18:48

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Bigger Deer?

DavidHH > EL_ULY 10/11/2013 at 18:50

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You need a good power washer, and someone else to operate it.

Audio Tachometer > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:02

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Dodging deer is a nightly occurrence 'round my parts. But hey, if you hit it, you can now legally take it!

The only thing I have ever hit is a skunk. And almost a porcupine.

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:07

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yeah, it turned his battery to mush, blasted battery acid all over the place, but somehow it was still held together enough to keep his lights on, haha. Other than that it cracked the transmission housing, took out his air cleaner, radiator and obviously the whole headlight. That car is so totaled it's crazy. It was a big deer.

GreenN_Gold > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:12

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I was a passenger in an RV that obliterated a deer, first with the front of the RV, and then underneath the rear duallies. The RV still ran fine, but the fiberglass up front was all torn up, causing the headlights to go all herpderp pointing crazy directions, and I think some blood and guts got on some hot stuff because it did NOT smell good when we got out to investigate.

ASheep > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:21

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I've got a couple of really bad ones:

My family and I were driving up to see our extended family in rural Queensland, about a 14 hour drive. An old commodore ute overtook us doing about 150, there was a dead 'roo on the road up ahead, with two eagles eating the carcass. The eagles took flight, and one of them went straight through the windscreen, and hit the passenger square in the chest. The dude had an eagle's beak embedded in his ribcage... what a bloody mess!

A mate of mine was at an army training exercise, their unimog was second in a line of 3. The lead mog hit a 'roo, which split in half. The torso flew up over the top and in through the open hatch on the top of my mate's unimog, the bottom half got ground up by the driveshaft and sprayed the front of his truck with blood. Much hilarity ensued.

I once saw a car with an Emu embedded in its front end. I've never seen an animal do so much damage... Its body flew up over the bullbar, gouged out the bonnet and went straight through the passenger compartment, taking most of the roof with it. The car had been abandoned on the side of the highway...

J. Walter Weatherman > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:31

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I don't have any really good stories, but I will add that something that I found amusing when I moved here to Tucson, which is that we have spiders that are big enough to qualify as roadkill (and it always makes me a little sad when I hit one, because Tarantulas are freaking awesome, so I feel bad killing them).

Also, for some reason, baby rabbits around here apparently get an uncontrollable urge to cross the road as soon as they notice a car coming, so in the spring time when they are all venturing out on their own for the first time, the roads towards the outskirts of town become baby bunny killing fields. Usually there is nothing you can do, they dart out at the last second, and there is no time to react. The worst is when you hit one but only maim it, and it starts flopping around in the road in pain. I always feel compelled to go back and put it out of its misery, which is something I REALLY do not enjoy doing.

Gamecat235 > J. Walter Weatherman 10/11/2013 at 19:37

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That is the worst, I've had to go back and take out a couple of rabbits and a cat who didn't die when they were hit. It's one thing when you can do nothing about it, it's wholly another when you have to intentionally finish the job.

edit: did I just reply to a comment that I can't see. That you can't see? unless you navigate directly to it... sigh

feather-throttle-not-hair > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:37

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Ugh. A clearly hurt and dying raccoon lying on its back, legs up in the air, but still moving.

It was night, on a 45 mph limit twisty and hilly road. I came over a small crest and my headlights illuminated him too late for me to swerve or stop. I heard his little legs knock against the bottom of my car.

:(

J. Walter Weatherman > Gamecat235 10/11/2013 at 19:39

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Yeah, it really pains me to do it, its just that I would feel that much worse for just driving away while it is suffering.

I can only imagine it is that much worse when you are a vegan, no?

Kookanoodles > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:41

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I killed a rabbit once. Saw it too late, it made a weird clunk and I was a bit sad for a few seconds.

Sorry, that's all I got.

I just hope it didn't look like that :

Gamecat235 > J. Walter Weatherman 10/11/2013 at 19:45

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The first time I did it was when I was 16 and I saw someone else hit a cat, and it's back was crushed and twisted and it was dragging itself off the road. I didn't have the advantage of a car, so I used a large rock. That... I still vividly recall that evening. I don't know that it's any harder regardless of diet and ethics.

Side note. I'm actually pro-hunting if you use the entirety of the animal (as much as is reasonable), the food chain is the food chain is the food chain. The same is true of humanely raised farm animals. I'm not really in it for the ethics (although the ethics of some of the mass farms are hugely disturbing). I try to be reasonable with my approach to life. =)

ChemicalCutthroat > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:54

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Alright, well I remembered one. Its a near miss, but it was close enough.

I was heading down some twisty, hilly roads in December and it was snowing. It was the first real snow we had in MD at the time, and these people tend to lose their shit when the snow is coming down heavy.

So we're in these twisty up and down roads in the woods, and we're stuck behind this big dualie flatbed. The snow is getting to the point where my car is making me sweat when it slips and slides around... its a 2000 Toyota Echo, so yeah, my only saving graces are FWD and skinny tires. I'm trying not to follow the truck in front of me too close, but he starts locking up his brakes and all I can think is, “Whelp, goodbye front end.”

He lets off, and a second later Bambi appears from under his rear tires and bounces up towards my car, making a bleating sound I can hear in the cabin. Which made me sad. You know how it is in snow, it kills cabin noise.

I managed to juke around the baby deer, but just barely, and spent the rest of the drive home listening to my girlfriend at the time lamenting the deer.

I was just happy it wasn't me that hit it. I was driving a beer can.

Pure87 > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:54

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On the third day of me owning my car, I accidentally ran over a bird eating out of a tuna can.

Desu-San-Desu > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 19:56

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I beheaded the rabbit driving down a dirt road one time with my girlfriend in the passenger seat. She proceeded to cover her eyes and scream "Oh My God! You slaughtered the Easter Bunny!"

J. Walter Weatherman > Gamecat235 10/11/2013 at 19:58

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Makes sense. I'm right there with you about hunting. It's not for me, but I don't have a problem with people that actually use the animals they kill. Just going out and shooting things for fun though... no me gusta.

My father-in-law keeps trying to get me to go dove hunting with him, but I just don't really have a desire to shoot birds (even though we would eat them). I actually have a lot of fun going skeet shooting now and again, but I haven't yet felt the need to shoot anything that isn't made out of clay...

GatorEight > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 20:14

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Luckily I've never been struck, but last year I was one car behind a driver who hit a full grown female. I saw the deer coming and honked aggressively but the driver of the Civic in front of me had no time to react. The whole event was rather shocking, I was shaking afterwards.

Everything about it was surreal, like it was slow motion, and just wildly visceral. The panic I felt before the car struck, the panic in the deer's leaps, the empathy I felt for first the driver and then the deer. When it hit, an explosion of shattered plastic carpeted my vision, and a 200lb animal flying up and towards me just didn't seem real. This deer went up into the air 40+ft, spinning and yelling the whole way up and back down. It landed 25ft in front of my car and skid right up under my bumper. Horrifying. I vividly remember the sounds, the crunch of breaking bones, the decrescendo of hide dragging on the asphalt.

In the aftermath, all I remember was the sounds of hissing vapors, then silence. I yelled out DAMN, wow, that was unbelievable. I remember beginning to tell someone on the phone what had happened, only to stop and say never mind because I couldn't verbalize the intensity of the moment. The driver was fine. He said he just thought SHIT, felt the crunch and let out a FUCKKK within a matter of 3 seconds. The deer was skidding up to my car for at least 5.

Frank Grimes > PatBateman 10/11/2013 at 21:09

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I was on an off ramp still going quite fast when I saw this strange moving thing in my lane by the time I ran it over it took a few seconds to realize what I was seeing at the last moment and wasn't until I ran it over do I remember the image in my mind and recognizing that it was a duck. I hope this makes sense. It happened so fast and I was pretty horrified but at least it died quickly.

PatBateman > ASheep 10/11/2013 at 21:28

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Is it wrong that I laughed at the second story? LOL

PatBateman > DavidHH 10/11/2013 at 21:34

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Uncle Unlucky probably got a bigger deer through his front end than I did. Mine was a younger buck (four pointer).

PatBateman > Kookanoodles 10/11/2013 at 21:37

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This is the one you nailed:

On behalf of all humans everywhere, thank you.

PatBateman > PowderHound 10/11/2013 at 21:38

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I'm surprised that the Eclipse kept going. I drive a Ford 4x4 and probably would stop to check for damage.

PatBateman > ChemicalCutthroat 10/11/2013 at 21:43

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Right after I got my truck out of the shop, I dropped my GF off at her house after a date and started driving home. While still in the 'hood, I came across a doe and her fawn (baby deer). Since I had just gotten into an accident, I was über paranoid and completely stopped, waiting for them to leave. They ran off into a yard, in the dark. I stayed stopped. Suddenly, the fawn broke away from momma and slammed into my drivers side door head first, scooted under the truck, out the other side, and ran off. I got out, and what do you know: A SMALL DENT IN THE DOOR THAT I JUST HAD F**KING FIXED.

Don't feel bad. Deer are stupid animals.

PatBateman > GatorEight 10/11/2013 at 21:47

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Consider yourself lucky. That animal could have gone through your windshield. Rule of thumb (you may already know this): if hitting a deer is eminent, accelerate. It lifts the front of your car up so that it makes more contact with your grill and lessens the risk of it tumbling over your hood into your lap.

PatBateman > Pure87 10/11/2013 at 21:49

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A least it was accidental...